Here’s my “short” version of “Following Serendipity,” with my puppies, learning what “home is where the heart is” and how to honor the heart by letting go. I’ve been saving up till I was inspired to write about it. The trip out West has been serendipitous, hard, joyful and heart opening.
There was a time, like 12 yrs-when I was advised that I needed to learn to let go. My response was an agitated, “of what?” I didn’t get it. Couldn’t even imagine what it meant.
Fast Forward and I now get that we have let go to allow the flow, of everything, in every moment…to allow-in whatever is meant for that moment, and accept the constant ebb and flow that is happening every second, minute, day, week, year…in micro ways and macro ways, whether we consciously or subconsciously choose to acknowledge it or not. Of course, there are times to hang on, too, but ultimately letting go is inevitable.
I don’t think I really started learning to “master” this until this adventure we are on…and I’m still not sure I have, but this seems to be the forced deeper lesson of the first half of the year, and the pups are showing me the way, sometimes resisting and sometimes delightfully following.
In Feb/March, I made a firm decision to take my life, pups, and business out West. Letting go of the physical comfort of being in a place (Old Town Alexandria) I had grown to love near some of my favorite people on the planet was harder than usual. Perhaps because my whole life, I have had a definite, known plan or structure in place before I transitioned to it (ie moved for job, moved for law school, moved for job; moved for job again).
When you start a company, the plan is between you and the universe/market-you are the structure forming a more concrete structure and plan, and yet you can’t do it alone-you have to learn to trust yourself to know who, when and what to trust. To trust that your inner-voice, even if it means saying no (ie letting go)…let go of the guilt, the fear of mistakes, fear of abandonment.
Ok enough with the cliche “a ha” moments. As a pragmatist, I will tell you some of how it’s gone down. Sometimes pretty, sometimes ugly! Maybe you can relate.
Shortly after my decision to move, when I was deciding how to logistically do it, the pups had a couple of big fights over things-once food and another time a toy. It wasn’t just puppy wrestle-zeus attacked sathena. I was shocked and pulled him off her-no one was hurt, though, so not thaaat bad. But, it made me stop and reflect. What were they mirroring back to teach me?
Why were they fighting over stuff? I am not all that materialistic-have paired down from moving over the years and can function on a startup budget just fine. But, they were showing me an attachment I needed to face to make an important moving decision.
You see, it made no sense to pay to move, store, transport and unpack my stuff clear across the country. And, yet, I could feel fear, anxiety, and sadness around letting go of all my comforts. It was as if I didn’t really believe the universe would help me replace these things, most of which I had loved and formed good memories around.
I semi-reluctantly chose faith over fear and decided to sell, gift, donate, and trash whatever didn’t fit in or on my car. And once I made the decision, it happened fast.
Can you believe two furry angels, aka “double trouble” inspired all this? Anyway…
My dining room set I bought between law school and law firm job for my first house was the first to go, and, to my surprise, I teared up. Not because it was all that fancy-it wasn’t. But, I remembered the dinner party laughs, bonding and sweet Sadie sitting underneath playing with one of my cousins.
These memories and the connections weren’t leaving with the table-they remain in my heart. As easy as this sounds, deep down, my mind didn’t understand. Sentimental value was attached to so many of my things in my mind, I was shocked by just how hard it was to let things go.
Reprogramming the subconscious to trust and look only to the heart-to let the table go and trust these positive connections are forever and more happy connections and memories are to come without a particular table and other things helped me to embrace the journey to come.
It applied to little things people I love had given me too-had to clear the guilt, as it wasn’t true that our love came down to these material objects. Even though I was putting things back into the universal flow through charity, it didn’t mean I didn’t appreciate the person or the gift. The love remained in the heart space, and the gift’s use expired with me–now someone else was enjoying it. How many things do you hold onto because of the guilt (limiting belief attachment) felt in letting them go?
And then, I faced a new strand of scarcity mindset belief that I think my great aunt and her whole generation had to embrace during the depression-the need to save something in case you needed it later…the strong fear that you wouldn’t have enough, wouldn’t have what you needed in the moment you needed it. I use to tease her about all her jars.
While I may not have kept jars, similar things were collecting dust in my storage unit for the same reason. You know, the things you forget you have or don’t remember where they are when you need them, so you replace them anyway and end up with two?
Truth: The same universe that created you has the capacity to support you. When we use our free will to believe in lack and give into fear, we have the power to block, not allow-in, the support that can help every part of our journeys. It gets complicated because we create evidence of our belief, and it snowballs. That’s our creative power.
How would the flow of prosperity shift on a macro-level if everyone let go when their soul inspired them to do so? Not in a sacrificing way…but in a joyfully inspired way. Would we needlessly hoard (out of fear of not having enough) or needlessly give away, both actions can create scarcity.
We have created a whole economy based on these fears. Imagine if enough people shifted and we chose to create with love and trusting ourselves more instead? That’s why I am inspired with my business to work with mindful leaders and professionals… Of course, I have had to do it myself to hold the space for others. Hence, my own shift continues to unfold as I feel my way on this adventure letting it unfold moment to moment…
I noticed that the pups stopped fighting shortly after I decided to let go of the stuff, and now they just play tug of war and take turns letting go and chasing each other.
But they continue to eat everything imaginable off the ground-their survival fears and instincts developed while living in the woods are still at play. It’s extreme-much worse than normal pups. Why are they settling for dirt, dead remains, eaten corncobs, etc when I am feeding them nutritious food? Boiled down, I asked myself, where am I acting in desperation settling for less than what the universe can and is trying to offer? Enough with the deserving/undeserving criteria and primal fear.
The above was only the beginning…I’ve had to practice listening to my heart and letting go when it signals to do so. And my resistance has generated some semi-scary encounters. Boiled down: The heart space leads the way…joy is our guide to move forward while anxiety or some other negative internal signal to move away.
It gets tricky when others start projecting their scarcity mindset on you and you have grown tired of keeping your stuff in a car and living in multiple places. This has been happening in my search for a new home. The hardest part has been letting go when there is no known branch in the moment to catch instead. I think this is where patience and faith go hand in hand, two things that a strong fear of abandonment kept me from embracing for much of my life.
When I first headed West in mid-April, I had a known place to live in the San Francisco Bay Area for 5-6 weeks. Yet, while I loved it, the friends I made, and the business opportunities that came quickly, I had no heart buzz like I have always felt before deciding to call a place my home. It didn’t feel right. While there are zero regrets about going for the temporary time, I wish I had spent a little less time trying to force the buzz and make it my home…because the stress didn’t help matters.
My vision blurred, eyes blood shot, light sensitivity like cutting onions and dryness, stuffy nose. I couldn’t see. Even my car’s vision/windshield was cracked. I could have also been more rested. I actually did enjoy myself a lot despite this, so it wasn’t that bad. Just learning from hindsight.
To my surprise, on the way to SF, the buzzer went off in a place where I knew no one and had no info on the market: in the Salt Lake City Area of Utah. And the memory of how I felt kept flashing up into my mind. I felt such joy, even goosebumps during my short time there, like I felt before I moved to Chicago for Law School. My subconscious parts that wanted to physically see the plan and the reasons to go there, kept throwing water/fear on the fire. I couldn’t see or move forward initially.
A little research gave me the peace of mind to move forward as I learned about the SLC economy and all the leaders, innovators, and professionals who had been flocking there. On a personal level, I was sold on the mountains, lakes, and outdoor lifestyle. I hadn’t skied in 20 years.
I kept reminding myself to follow my own advice and trust joy. In the end, the cosmic kick came thru to help catapult us where my joy/heart was pointing with SF housing options that didn’t resonate at all. As soon as I decided, the pups started cooperating again…my eyesight and health has been clear in Utah.
We have been in Park City for two weeks and love it. Park City has a some of the same housing challenges because it’s a resort town, but it’s been easier to find options and learn the cycle. It has tested me on a different level with the short-term and long term plan. Overall, I feel happier and more at home-my heart is here, at least right now…stay tuned. It doesn’t feel permanent.
Short-term, I have used Air BnB for a place to stay while I figure things out. Six out of seven have been positive locals (ie one who saved from a dead car battery among other things), and one was uncomfortable and I had to practice following my gut instinct to leave. Luckily my saving grace in that scenario was a woman named Grace. No kidding. Universe is funny.
We are now at our final ABnB till next week. It’s awesome. Love it and the people-internet works so I am back to work with client sessions via Skype. Pups are being pretty good, though the eating everything is still bad. We are sitting on a mountainside golf course with pretty hiking trails. Would not have found it if I hadn’t trusted my gut to leave the sketchy ABnB, so every moment has played a valuable role
For the long term plan, I had to let go of the urgency to find a year lease in one week. After 2 mos of not having a real “physical home” of my own, I grew vulnerable (felt desperate) and almost signed a lease against my instincts. It only took 24 hours for me to learn why my heart was trying to steer me away, and I was able to remove myself and pups. No harm done.
It was a fear of living without a sacred physical space to call home that led me away from trusting my heart to create one with a little faith and patience.
Joy is the guide, not “grin and bare it”–the old archaic mindset of “life has to be hard” that ruled me for so long is expired. I am finally letting that go. How about you? Is there something you want but are afraid to allow-in?
Next week, I move into a place for four-six weeks while I wait for the home buzzer to go off on a place in Park City (or wherever-I think it’s here, but I’m open; this journey has had fun twists and turns). I love the mountains and the prospect of making up for all the winters I neglected to make time for skiing-something I love. I love the overall playful nature of the people of Park City. I’m excited to play in the lakes and explore more of this state’s beauty. I am excited to meet and help more mindful leaders either living or passing thru here.
This next leg, I am letting go of obsessing over finding a place and settling down. Instead,
I am enjoying the space I am in and trusting my intuition and serendipity to inspire my search for the long-term place and allowing it to unfold in an easy unforced way.
I am loving the role “no” plays in this creation-I am saying it, others are saying it. It’s pointing us to the right yes. The “me” 12 years ago couldn’t let go of a “no”…either made me mad or feel rejected. And saying it was hard because I thought I was doing the same to others–depriving them or rejecting/abandoning them.
Now, it actually feels easier to believe the truth that the only abandonment is when you abandon your inner-voice. When you don’t trust your heart to tell you who, when, and how to trust, you trust in the wrong ways that lead to betrayal and abandonment by others-creating evidence to reinforce abandonment fears. When you honor your heart/soul, you get evidence of support.
Sometimes it’s tricky to follow your heart in the moment because it seems easier to follow what you can see with your eyes, hear with your ears-believing what someone says. This temptation leads to regret.
Following your feelings pays back tenfold.
I’ve been waiting till I was settled to meaningfully post again…hence this epic post.
Bullarky…no need to wait for anything. What is that thing you are postponing? Ask your heart if it’s just an excuse covering an expired fear that is ready to be released. Then let it go.
I think that’s what people mean by let go.🙂 What do you think? Thanks for reading.